A few years ago, I found myself on my own, after the father of my two children decided to leave us. I entered a period where I worked hard, looked after my kids as best I could, and had virtually no social life to speak of. I had two good friends in similar circumstances who helped me through this period. We often visited each other and talked about various things. One favourite topic of conversation was our dream man. Of course we didn't really expect to meet our “Mr Perfect” anytime soon.
One day at work a friend and co-worker suggested that I try a new dating site that had just started up. Lets Call it Dorks-r-us to avoid any liability issues. I met this loser, I mean man (loosely) the first night on the site, he sounded very intelligent, funny and from what he was telling me seemed very well rounded. We chatted back and forth for a few weeks, as I informed him that I wanted to take things slow and that it had been a long time since I had been with a man in any kind of a relationship. Since my children were such a big part of my life, I made sure that I discussed them with him to ensure he was okay with that. He not only was okay, he indicated that he had been a bit worried because he had a child of his own and wanted to make sure that I was okay with children. He indicated that he loved what time he was able to be with his son. Everything seemed good to me, so I agreed to go out for dinner and dancing with him.
I cannot believe how much I looked forward to that date! I spent the entire week getting a new dress, making sure that my best friend could babysit for me and getting my hair done. The night of the date I was running around in a tizzy, totally stressed out that he would not like me. His profile picture showed a really decent looking guy, and I really wanted it to work out. My friend told me to calm down before I hyperventilated, she told me to try not to look too needy or I would scare him off. In retrospect, I sure wish that I had scared him off! So after collecting my self I went outside to wait for him as he was going to swing by and pick me up. Finally there he was! I was so impatient to set my eyes on his gorgeous body, dreamy green eyes and wavy blond hair that I literally rushed up to his car as it pulled into the driveway. When I bent down to say hello and open the car door I realized I had made a mistake, it wasn’t him! I thought, “please god tell me its not him!” I actually pinched myself to wake up from this horrible dream, but to no avail. The he sat, and he sure was not what I was expecting! I think I was totally stunned. In any event, like a lamb to the slaughter, I just walked around to the passenger side and got in.
All the way to the restaurant, I kept looking at the rug on his head. It was so bad that it looked like something that was skinned off the ass of a cocker spaniel. Obviously it was not his picture on his profile, he certainly didn't have blond hair. He looked to be bald under that cheap rug. But the more I looked at it, the more it seemed that he just had it on wrong. Backwards or something stupid like that. He did not have green eyes like his picture. They were bloodshot, dark, and somewhat shifty. I didn't see any muscles either, he look like a crack addict. On top of everything, his idea of a top ranked restaurant was slightly better than a McDonald's, only not as clean. I prayed that no one I knew would see me with this dork, not just for my own sake but because I did not think my children could ever live it down.
We walked in and sat down at a corner table with a white table cloth and a candle in a little glass. The place was actually fairly decent on the inside. The waiters seemed competent and the decor was pretty nice all in all. I had the fish special with sweet potato fries and he had a rack of lamb with roasted potato's. He kept trying to cop a feel of just about every part of my body within reach. I gradually inched my chair back away from the table in self defense. He commented that a MILF like me had been without sex so long that they were hot to trot and really amazing in bed. I responded that I would sooner have sex with a cucumber than with him. I have to give the guy points for persistence. After slapping his had off of me a few more times he asked be to dance. Always the gracious lady, I said yes. What was I thinking? Once again, I had to keep removing his hands from various parts of my anatomy. I guess to show me what a great catch he was he decided to show off his dancing prowess. He tried to jive with me. At one point his hand slipped out of mine and I stumbled into the bar. Well that was all I could take! I got up with my nose bleeding, slapped his face and stomped out of the restaurant. I made my way to the hospital and had my nose set. My new dress was ruined. And now I would have a bump on my nose to remind me of that horrible man!
That's the last time I took any dating advice from a friend. I decided then and there that I was only dealing with legitimate dating sites that I could trust. Hopefully ones who's clientele does not consist of touchy, feely, sex hungry lunatics.
I have since found that this is a good place to start:
Hello! Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard often.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare. Bummer.